Saturday, April 18

Insomnia much?

Thanks to side effects from some of my many medications, I have developed fairly bad insomnia over the past few months. Since it's Friday night, it's not so bad. But during the week it can get in the way of my normal routine.

I've always wanted to be one of those people who gets up at like 5:30 or 6 AM and goes to bed at 9:30 or 10. But every time I try, I can't fall asleep and then when the alarm chimes its "merry" tune at me before the sun is even shining, I cannot justify being awake. I sleep until the very last minute and sometimes after that. And then, throughout the day, it is as if I'm not there completely. Edward Norton's anonymous, infamous character from Fight Club put it best:
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake.

With insomnia, nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.
This is what it's turning out to be, in my mind. Of course, I have a flair for the dramatic and I may be exaggerating this, even in my own mind. I just have that kind of tendency, I guess.

I think about how much I let things affect me. Minor arguments wound me. Rude judgments pierce me. Side glances, condescension, pretension in general - whether imagined or not - cut me to the core and leave me unsure and angry. I'm very, very sensitive, and I really hate to admit it. People see emotion as such a weakness these days. Maybe they're all wrong.

I was also thinking today how glad I am that my parents introduced me to so many different types of movies, books, music, and other types of media. They rarely explicitly said, "You can't watch/do this." Now I would be banned from watching/doing things when I had gotten in trouble, but I was never.... censored, so to speak. I didn't go crazy as a result. I got to watch MTV and I thought it was horrendous.

I learned to watch movies from a Christian perspective - what I mean is, I would be able to take away something valuable from a movie no matter what it was. I developed a (very) critical eye toward all types of media.

"Garbage in, garbage out!" The James Dobsons of the world will protest. Well, how much credit are you giving your child then? If you read the Bible, and if your parents teach you wrong from right, at a certain age - you have to live and let go, right? I'm glad my parents deemed me intelligent enough to tell what's "wrong" with a movie or book (cursing, violence, nudity, etc) and what's "right" (love, forgiveness, philosophy, intellectual stimulation, relationships, good ol' entertainment). Thanks mom and dad for never "banning" me from anything and letting me make decisions for myself - I don't watch crap TV now, I read all the time, and I find something valuable in EVERY movie decision I make. And I listen to almost EVERY type of music!

I don't think I would be one of those crazy people who lets their kid watch/do/read/listen to WHATEVER they want, but I will educate my children - I think education and discretion is a much better defense than out and out censorship. At least, when these awfully sheltered kids come to college and then go crazy - and I see this happen over, and over, and over again - that is what I've come to believe.

I'll try to go to sleep, now, maybe.

Signing off and out,


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